Is Divorce the 'Fire Escape' of Marriage?

Two days ago, I read an article written by a Filipina divorce advocate who has been living in the US for 20 years and who is married to an American divorcé herself. Apparently in awe of the "beauty" and "benefits" of divorce, she even entitled her piece, The 'Sanctity' of Divorce. As expected, the writer basically just promoted divorce in the Philippines and pointed out that there is nothing sacred about marriage, so her fellow Filipinos should stop using the "marriage is sacred" argument when talking about divorce. Never mind that marriage is the foundation of the family, and that stable families are needed for a stable society. Never mind also that it is through the permanence of marriage that children are raised by both a mother and a father who both have equally important, distinct and irreplaceable roles in the children's lives. Never mind the intrinsic good of this institution and all its invaluable purposes. Marriage is not sacred, but divorce is. There's the gist of the article.

Well, coming from anyone who has a distorted sense of the sacred, this is not surprising. But even if one is not religious, one will know, through common sense, why marriage deserves to be upheld and protected. But instead of coming up with reasons to protect and fortify marriages, the author provided excuses to end them. As usual, the author just parroted their tired arguments in favor of a divorce law in the Philippines. Their favorite one is domestic violence, which is already addressed by existing laws, such as Republic Act No. 9262 or the Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Law, as well as provisions in the Family Code that provide for the legal separation of the spouses. No need for a divorce law. I find it really distasteful that these divorce advocates are exploiting the plight of abused women to advance their agenda. Other excuses mentioned were annulment and legal separation supposedly being too expensive, a 'peaceful divorce' supposedly being good for children, etc.-- all of which are already 'gasgas' and have already been debunked a long time ago. (READ: The Lamest and Most 'Gasgas' Excuses for Divorce in the Philippines)

There was nothing new in the said pro-divorce article, except for the faulty analogy in the last part. Even their typical ad hominem attacks against those who are pro-family and anti-divorce were there to complete the package. Again, not surprising. But the author's defective analogy made me cringe and shake my head in disgust. The closing paragraph read:

"It is necessary. Divorce protects the safety and dignity of people who enter into marriage. If marriage is the home a couple builds together, divorce is not its front door but its fire escape. They might never use it, might never even think about it, but their house is safer and more secure knowing it is there."

The author's analogy is so wrong, yet it is also telling of the kind of mentality these divorce advocates have-- the kind that runs away and throws away, as opposed to the kind that faces challenges head on and fixes whatever is broken. However, should the author insist that divorce is a fire escape, let me remind her that fire exits can also be used even when there is no fire. I remember the time when I lived in our school dormitory in college, some students would even use the fire escape to sneak out of the dormitory late at night to go to parties or do their 'extra-curricular' activities. So if we talk about it that way, then divorce can indeed be compared to a fire escape... or simply, "an escape" and "an easy way out."

However, I don't think that's the point the author wanted to make. To her, "divorce protects the safety and dignity of people who enter into marriage," hence, the fire escape analogy. But NO, divorce is NOT the life-saving fire escape the author imagined it to be. The truth is, divorce is the fire that burns down that home along with the family that lives in it. If marriage is the home a couple builds together and it catches fire (usually in the form of "irreconcilable differences"), the sensible thing to do is to first get a fire extinguisher or a fire hose to put the fire out. They can even call for the help of firefighters (i.e. godparents, friends, their community, marriage counselors, priests, pastors, etc.). But if all else fails and the house goes down in flames, the husband and wife shall REBUILD the home they have lost. And they will do it TOGETHER, just as they have vowed on their wedding day: "for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." No mention of fire escapes there whatsoever. (Anna C.)

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The Lamest and Most 'Gasgas' Excuses for Divorce in the Philippines (Updated)

For some reason, the debate on the "need" for a Divorce Law in the Philippines has started once again in the past few weeks. And although I have many more important things to do, I sometimes cannot help but leave a comment or reply to some obviously misinformed arguments online. Reading and replying to several comments like these can be tiring and time-consuming, so if you wish to educate people who say these things but you don't have the luxury of time and energy to do so, you have my permission to use (yes, you may copy and paste) the following replies to their lame and gasgas excuses for divorce:


Lame and Gasgas Excuse #1: Women who are beaten and abused by their husbands need a divorce law! 

Women in abusive relationships need to get out of such kind of relationships, YES. And their cruel husbands must be sent to prison, too. But NO, they do NOT need a divorce law to do these. We already have existing laws to address this problem, specifically Republic Act No. 9262 or the Anti-Violence Against Women and their Children Law, as well as provisions in the Family Code that provide for the legal separation of the spouses. And if they can prove that the abusive spouse is psychologically incapacitated, they can even get an annulment.  No need for a divorce law.


Lame and Gasgas Excuse #2: Annulment is too expensive that's why we need a divorce law!

Annulment is too expensive if compared to what? Since there is no divorce law in the Philippines, we cannot compare annulment fees and divorce fees in our country. But what we CAN do right now is look at the example of the country whose footsteps we are trying to follow: America. In the US, an annulment typically costs around $200 to $1,000, while a divorce generally costs $15,000 to $20,000. That's PHP600K+ right there for a divorce. What makes these people think that divorce is NOT expensive?

If proponents of divorce claim that this will be cheaper than other legal options, they should instead encourage the government to make the present options more affordable. Why pass a divorce bill when other options can be made cheaper? Aim to reform the existing annulment process if it is proven to have defects. No need for a divorce law to do that. All other concerns (domestic abuse, adultery, etc.) are already addressed by existing laws. The only reason why people want a divorce law is to turn the shallowest and most trivial reasons (a.k.a. "irreconcilable differences") into valid grounds to throw away one's marriage. That's all this proposed divorce law is about.


Lame and Gasgas Excuse #3: It is better for married couples to "peacefully" divorce than for their children to see them fighting all the time.

This is not only a lame and 'gasgas' excuse, but a very deceptive one, too. That's why I especially hate it. It pretends to be concerned about children when the truth is, the children are its least concern. It is the children who suffer most in a divorce! Also, it pretends to be a quick-fix for broken marriages, when it obviously doesn't fix anything, but just throws away marriages at one's whim. And who says it's always peaceful? Just as legal separation and annulment can get nasty, divorces can turn into an all-out war, too. And in this war, it's always the children who lose.

And to cite a personal experience, although my parents have always been able to make their marriage work out, I have witnessed the worst of their fights. And do you know what I thought of during those times? Do you think I wished they would just "separate peacefully" and then I could just rearrange my schedule in such a way that I could spend time with each of them separately at certain intervals? NO! Those thoughts broke my heart into finer pieces than their fights per se. All I prayed for during those times was for my parents to work things out. I cannot remember praying for anything else other than their marriage. It was all that mattered to me. Because for children, their parents mean the world to them. And when their parents' marriage fall apart, their world falls apart, as well.

Also, the separation of parents and custodial rights issues are already traumatic enough for children; just imagine how much worse it could get when a total stranger intrudes into their life when their parent remarries... and then divorces again... remarries... and then divorces again... REPEAT.

Lame and Gasgas Excuse #4: Don't be too idealistic. The reality is more and more married couples are growing apart and are already separating. That's why we need to legalize divorce now!

Yes, broken marriages and families are a reality and a sad reality at that. But just because many are making mistakes doesn't mean we must legitimize these mistakes through our laws. For instance, what if many people are into pedophile relationships and they seem to be out of control already? Should we just legalize/decriminalize pedophilia, anyway it's already happening and people "can't help it"? Why don't we instead address the real issues and think of relevant solutions to the real problem? Clearly, the problem here is that people can't hold their marriage together. Why is that? Let us discover the factors and find ways to strengthen marriages and help people prepare better for married life. Divorce doesn't help build stronger marriages and families but only provides an easy way out for those who refuse to remain faithful to their marriage vows.


Lame and Gasgas Excuse #5: If you don't want a divorce, then don't get one. But the State should not deprive others of their second chance at love!

While divorce is a personal choice, it has deep social and societal consequences. Divorce is one of the major agents of the breakdown of families. And as we all know, the family is the basic unit of society. Destroy the family and you destroy society. That's why it is the obligation of the State to craft laws and programs that will strengthen the family, not weaken or destroy it.

As for a person's second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, etc. "chances at love," sorry but that is none of the State's business. The State is NOT obliged to ensure that we all have a "happy love life". The State is only duty-bound to ensure that families are stable and that every child brought forth into the world has a mother and a father by his/her side who will raise him/her well, since numerous studies have shown that children do best with their married mother and father. Therefore, it is the duty of the State to protect the institution of marriage (even from divorce) because marriage is the very foundation of the family.


The clamor of some for a divorce law is a sign of the deteriorating standards of our society. Instead of shooting for what is right and ideal, these people would rather have the standards lowered for easier compliance. But as they say, "It's either you are green and growing or yellow and rotting." In other words, you are either getting better or getting worse. In the case of our world today, in general, I think it's the latter. And if we continue to live by the principle of "instant gratification" and if we succumb to a"throw-away culture," we will surely find ourselves stooping to new lows after each passing day. And the breakdown of families will not only continue but even accelerate. Just look at what America has come to: with 50% of marriages ending up in divorce, broken families are already the norm in their country. Do we really want the same thing to happen to the Filipino Family? If not, then we should stop making lame and gasgas excuses and start strengthening our marriages and protecting our families in every way we can. (Anna C.)


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